Patience…

  

These words jumped out at me as I leafed through a magazine my Mum’s neighbour brought round. It sounds more like a threat than advice doesn’t it?! 

I know for a fact I take all sorts of things for granted. It takes will power not to, doesn’t it? To appreciate every moment. You must be very present. That takes control…

Life gets in the way, that’s the trouble. Every morning, well most mornings since I’ve been here in my new role as my Mum’s companion, I’ve set my intentions for the day – on my yoga mat. (Well it will be on a mat now. I’ve just ordered a very flash, very expensive new mat as a friend said to me, ‘let that be your anchor, wherever your mat is that’s where you are’.) My intentions are good; be patient. 

But it’s hard to keep patient all day, as soon as my Mum gets up she starts with, ‘I’ve been thinking’ and a stream of consciousness comes out. And I bite my tongue and try really hard to be patient. Mostly I’m doing better than I would of done before Dad die, but she is fucking hard work. 

She’s worrying about her future constantly. So am I. Both of us have ended up on this new path. This new future and it’s uncertain. For both of us. 

I’ve joined the half an orphan club…I know many people have already had their membership a while. Perhaps you can help me to know what to do next? What do I do now, my Dad’s gone and it’s just my Mum and me? That’s all we have. Just the two of us. 

Can I really go back to London and live my life? I just can’t see how it will work. I’m worrying about the next stage and we haven’t even had a funeral. 

My Dads funeral is on Thursday. Lots of people are coming and I find myself looking forward to it in a perverse way, a chance to say goodbye and move forward. To what, I don’t know…


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