The diagnosis murder, I’m dairy, wheat, gluten and sugar FREE

I feel that my blog has had a few lives, and this is the self improvement life…I’ve seen that other people section it all out, maybe this is the thing to do? I don’t know. I feel like each area of my life has a knock on effect on the other so I don’t know if I could do that, I am reading Blogging for dummies so maybe that will enlighten me?! Anyway my Dad’s death gave me IBS symptoms which led me to the Doctors which led me to start taking a lot of tablets none of which seemed to help and one of which turned out to be anti-depressants…sugar-free

The diagnosis…
‘You can eat eggs’ said the Kinesiologist, yeah I know, I thought, they are not dairy…I didn’t say it out loud because in truth I was a bit scared of this woman. She was scarily intuitive, almost like a witch, she took one look at me and said, ‘you’re a very anxious person aren’t you?’ Erm, yes I replied, anxiously. Then she performed some weird tests which led her to say, “when did you stop taking the anti depressants?” She also said I was very easy to test and she didn’t want me to get obsessed with ‘the diet’ I just can’t eat wheat, gluten, dairy and the most evil and cunning of them all SUGAR! Very fashionable, I thought. Why is no one telling you that you should eat more fibre, no fat and use sweeteners anymore? I feel sorry for the producers of Canderel, their sales must have fallen dramatically in the last few sugar free years.

Anyway back to my diagnosis. You’re an addict, she said. Alcoholic I thought? Sugar addict she told me. Which is basically the same thing, if you think about it; because alcohol contains more sugar than ANYTHING right? And you wouldn’t give an alcoholic another drink soooo, consequently I am off the booze. I am off the booze and the sugar and the dairy and the wheat and the gluten…’we’ll keep it simple’, she said. ‘I don’t want you obsessing about a diet given your history. Right, I thought.

My friend alcohol
The truth is I have never taken anti depressants, even though I have had a lot of therapy and felt very anxious and frustrated in my life. I know that I am a negative thinker and have had plenty of CBT, I have tried a lot of different things so this is just one more. I would take anti depressants if I needed them, but I prefer to try and combat it with exercise, therapy and self improvement, because for me I know if I take anti depressants I may feel better but ultimately I will still think the same.

I have stopped drinking before in my life, not many times admittedly but I have done it, usually I’ve been absolutely miserable and replaced it with other sugar. Now, I know that I drink too much, and I know that it’s a depressant, and I know that it’s basically EVIL, but I love it. I love the taste, I love the feeling, I love the escapism and since my Dad died my Mum and I have been drinking most days.

BUT! I hate it at the same time, it’s a love hate kind of thing, I know that it makes me feel like shit, I am a rubbish drunk, I have made a complete fool of myself on numerous occasions due to alcohol and it makes me feel a host of other ugly emotions, mostly it makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I have a terrible memory as it is and I can’t remember anything after a night of drinking. What worries me most is that drinking is basically my social life. ALL my friends are massive boozers, it’s what we do. I can’t imagine having any friends left if I stop drinking. I explained this to my kinesiologist and she smiled and said she went through it herself about my age and yes she lost some friends, but she also kept some.

First hurdle
‘Hmm’, I thought, that night was my Mum’s Birthday, am I going to get away with not having a drink? A friend of mine was supposed to be coming over, I wavered, should I just start tomorrow…the day after, have a few more days on it…the conversation went like this;

Him: Well I’ll have to stay if I’m going to drink.
Me: I’m not drinking
Him: WHAT?! Why not?
Me: I went to see a kinesiologist and she’s told me I can’t drink for six weeks…
Him: A what? What the hell do they do?

I had to Wikipedia it;

Applied kinesiology (AK) is a technique in alternative medicine claimed to be able to diagnose illness or choose treatment by testing muscles for strength and weakness

Him: What a load of bollocks!
Me: You’re a vegetarian
Him: Just because I’m a veggie doesn’t mean I’m a bloody hippie.

He didn’t come over. I got through my first evening without a drink, granted it was with my Mum and her three friends, who collectively weren’t sure if they were even able to finish one bottle of Prosecco…and it only lasted an hour and a half. BUT baby steps.

So my friends, it is with mixed emotions that I embark on this new journey, without alcohol. Sans booze. Who’s with me?!

The truth hurts, and the truth is this…

I am an angry person…

I’ve finally admitted it to myself, finally. I have always known it, and yesterday a very close friend of mine who is wonderfully perceptive said, “you’re a very aggressive person’. This wasn’t a shock to me but I’ve been stewing on this new found characteristic and I find that I don’t like it. SURPRISE! Who wants to think of themselves as aggressive? Its SO UGLY! I can just imagine at job interview, when they ask you how your friends describe you; “Kind, loyal, adventurous, funny, oh and most people find me very aggressive…” – DOOR SLAMS IN FACE!

What do you mean? I reply. “Well” she said, “you’ve never had children and they soften you’. This was below the belt, SO its my fault for not having children now? Insert angry red face. I had arrived at her house and begun a rant about my Mother that has been building for days, we love each other but we haven’t spent this much time together since I was about 15. And being around my Mother is hard, even now at this time of crisis, no one pisses me off more than my parents, now my parent. They push my buttons, and I loose my temper, a lot. That angry 15 yr old girl is always there, bubbling at the surface and despite my best efforts I can’t always keep her down.

Yesterday had been a BAD day and I wanted to talk to my friend about it, to turn it over and find the solution, but instead she was insulting me, she was offending me, she was…turning the mirror to my face and it was UGLY. At first I was furious. We carried on chatting but underneath I was seething, how dare she how dare how dare she.

I went off to have my hair coloured, which took about six hours(I needed a new doo for the funeral, I know there isn’t a photographer at a funeral, but I feel the need to prepare for it in the same way I would for any ‘event’ – God I am a vile human being!) Anyway, I fumed the whole time, it stung me over and over, and I was angry. I wanted to lash out, to attack back. But slowly I started to realise that she isn’t the first of my friends to accuse me of this recently; two others have flung me the same bone. I’ve gnawed at it silently, internally but now I had something tangible, something real to pop on my sleeve, right next to my big fat beating heart.

It wasn’t until I got into bed and started Googling anger management courses that I realised, the truth hurts, my Mother loved to fling that expression at me when I was a horrible teenager, and as usual she was right. When things happen that I don’t like, when things don’t go my way I become very frustrated and in all honesty – angry. I run and fume, I do yoga and breathe it out, I have had a lot of therapy, but I am still an angry person, and my friend is right. I even dreamt about it last night, anger anger anger. (I am really not sure that RED will go with my new hair…)

CUT TO THIS MORNING – I wake up and go downstairs to make tea, I am trying not to have lactose now I have this IBS diagnosis, so I always have Roobios and soya these days, a friend of mine described it as like food, which makes me gip a little, but I really like it. Anyway my Mum appeared and I was overcome with relief, I had an opportunity to make it right, I have the opportunity, ‘I’m sorry, I wept, I am so sorry Mum…I am a horrible vile person’, and we had a hug and guess what I feel better!

I AM an aggressive, angry, vile and horrible person but I am those other things to, and I’m going to go on and get anger management, get more therapy, do a course and try to be more mindful. Mindfulness, I wish that concept had been around when I was growing up. I will try every day to be better person, I’m not giving up, I will apologise to everyone I have to, and yes I have considered that this might be the anger related to my Dad’s death but, I think, it goes a lot deeper than that. So thank you my friend, thank you for making me see my UGLY self and giving me the opportunity to do something about it.