I feel that my blog has had a few lives, and this is the self improvement life…I’ve seen that other people section it all out, maybe this is the thing to do? I don’t know. I feel like each area of my life has a knock on effect on the other so I don’t know if I could do that, I am reading Blogging for dummies so maybe that will enlighten me?! Anyway my Dad’s death gave me IBS symptoms which led me to the Doctors which led me to start taking a lot of tablets none of which seemed to help and one of which turned out to be anti-depressants…
‘You can eat eggs’ said the Kinesiologist, yeah I know, I thought, they are not dairy…I didn’t say it out loud because in truth I was a bit scared of this woman. She was scarily intuitive, almost like a witch, she took one look at me and said, ‘you’re a very anxious person aren’t you?’ Erm, yes I replied, anxiously. Then she performed some weird tests which led her to say, “when did you stop taking the anti depressants?” She also said I was very easy to test and she didn’t want me to get obsessed with ‘the diet’ I just can’t eat wheat, gluten, dairy and the most evil and cunning of them all SUGAR! Very fashionable, I thought. Why is no one telling you that you should eat more fibre, no fat and use sweeteners anymore? I feel sorry for the producers of Canderel, their sales must have fallen dramatically in the last few sugar free years.
Anyway back to my diagnosis. You’re an addict, she said. Alcoholic I thought? Sugar addict she told me. Which is basically the same thing, if you think about it; because alcohol contains more sugar than ANYTHING right? And you wouldn’t give an alcoholic another drink soooo, consequently I am off the booze. I am off the booze and the sugar and the dairy and the wheat and the gluten…’we’ll keep it simple’, she said. ‘I don’t want you obsessing about a diet given your history. Right, I thought.
My friend alcohol
The truth is I have never taken anti depressants, even though I have had a lot of therapy and felt very anxious and frustrated in my life. I know that I am a negative thinker and have had plenty of CBT, I have tried a lot of different things so this is just one more. I would take anti depressants if I needed them, but I prefer to try and combat it with exercise, therapy and self improvement, because for me I know if I take anti depressants I may feel better but ultimately I will still think the same.
I have stopped drinking before in my life, not many times admittedly but I have done it, usually I’ve been absolutely miserable and replaced it with other sugar. Now, I know that I drink too much, and I know that it’s a depressant, and I know that it’s basically EVIL, but I love it. I love the taste, I love the feeling, I love the escapism and since my Dad died my Mum and I have been drinking most days.
BUT! I hate it at the same time, it’s a love hate kind of thing, I know that it makes me feel like shit, I am a rubbish drunk, I have made a complete fool of myself on numerous occasions due to alcohol and it makes me feel a host of other ugly emotions, mostly it makes me feel guilty and ashamed. I have a terrible memory as it is and I can’t remember anything after a night of drinking. What worries me most is that drinking is basically my social life. ALL my friends are massive boozers, it’s what we do. I can’t imagine having any friends left if I stop drinking. I explained this to my kinesiologist and she smiled and said she went through it herself about my age and yes she lost some friends, but she also kept some.
‘Hmm’, I thought, that night was my Mum’s Birthday, am I going to get away with not having a drink? A friend of mine was supposed to be coming over, I wavered, should I just start tomorrow…the day after, have a few more days on it…the conversation went like this;
Him: Well I’ll have to stay if I’m going to drink.
Me: I’m not drinking
Him: WHAT?! Why not?
Me: I went to see a kinesiologist and she’s told me I can’t drink for six weeks…
Him: A what? What the hell do they do?
I had to Wikipedia it;
Him: What a load of bollocks!
Me: You’re a vegetarian
Him: Just because I’m a veggie doesn’t mean I’m a bloody hippie.
He didn’t come over. I got through my first evening without a drink, granted it was with my Mum and her three friends, who collectively weren’t sure if they were even able to finish one bottle of Prosecco…and it only lasted an hour and a half. BUT baby steps.
So my friends, it is with mixed emotions that I embark on this new journey, without alcohol. Sans booze. Who’s with me?!